


Intimacies

by Miri Cleo (miri_cleo)



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Age Play, Blow Jobs, Bratting, Crying, F/M, Masturbation, Middle space, Teasing, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:41:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27612223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miri_cleo/pseuds/Miri%20Cleo
Summary: He made her explain it to him twice, the second time without hiding behind psychological terminology.
Relationships: Katrina Cornwell/Christopher Pike
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	Intimacies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GlassesOfJustice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlassesOfJustice/gifts).



Kat was so absorbed in her work that she hadn't heard Chris come in, let alone walk up behind her. When he put his hands on her shoulders to work the knots there, she flinched, growing even more tense. He moved his hands to her arms and squeezed gently. 

"I didn't mean to startle you," he said, bending to kiss the top of her head.

"It's fine, Chris. I'm just…" She shook her head. 

"You're wound tighter than a two dollar watch," he said as he rounded the sofa and sank down beside her.

Kat let out an exasperated breath. "Another one of your grandfather's idioms?"

He raised his eyebrows, and Kat knew it came out sharper than she meant it. "You usually find those charming. But I can see that I'm going to need to try harder to get you to relax."

"I don't need to relax, I need to work," she grumbled. 

"You won't let me make you dinner or make you laugh." He leaned forward and carefully pulled her padd out of her hands. "I know your work is important, but you've been wound up and preoccupied for days. Nobody can give Starfleet their best like that."

"I appreciate that you're trying to help. I just…" Kat leaned back as she shook her head. The temptation to give into him, to put duty and orders aside and let him care for her the way he so desperately wanted to was great. But Kat had orders to give and orders to take. He understood the weight of what they did, and yet he pushed on affably. Kat stood up quickly. "You can't help."

"Only because you're not telling me how." He got up too and wrapped his arms around her as if willing her to give herself into his confidence. "You're under more pressure than ever from Command, and I don't know what you're holding back from me, Kat...but you _are_ holding something back."

"Fine," Kat snapped. 

He made her explain it to him twice, the second time without hiding behind psychological terminology. Hiding, though Kat wasn't proud of it, was correct. Because asking him for what she needed wasn't just a vulnerability, it was exposing herself to him in a way that she had avoided for so long. Because he loved her. And because he loved her, he understood the first time, but he pushed to make sure, to test that this was authority she actually wanted to give him. He’d been waiting so long. 

“I do have to finish this now,” she said softly. 

“Finish.” Chris smiled and toyed with her fingers, bringing them to his lips to kiss each individually. “I’m not going anywhere.”

As if by fate, he was called over the intercom to the bridge. Kat couldn’t help but smile at the way his demeanor instantly changed. They were both bound by duty, and they both allowed that bond to define them. 

Kat had always pushed herself for a perfect balance. Be dedicated enough to carry authority, but be affable enough to make that authority easier to obtain. She’s learned that quickly at an early age, and she’s excelled by pushing when necessary but never too far to ruin everything she’d worked for. 

Chris held her for another moment before stealing a kiss. “I’ll be back when I can.”

Kat pressed her forehead to his for a moment. "Go." 

He gave her that lopsided, boyish smile of his before walking through the doors, and Kat couldn't help but allow a ghost of a smile to pass over her lips before she got back to work. 

*****

When Chris walked into his quarters he expected to find Kat still working or passed out on the sofa with her padd still on. Instead he found her sitting cross-legged on the bed, manipulating a projection of a game, listening to music louder than she ever listened to anything. Kat liked to work without distractions, but this wasn't work. Chris undid his collar and half unzipped his tunic. She hadn't seen him yet, or if she had, she was ignoring him. So, Chris took the opportunity to watch. 

Kat's posture and movements lacked the elegance that he'd always thought was effortless--she made everything look effortless. But now, engrossed in manipulating the projection in front of her, Kat looked focused but still somehow ungainly...younger. She'd always been beautiful in an understated way. But there was something vibrant about her now. 

"Computer, reduce music volume by fifty percent."

Without looking away from the game, Kat said, "Computer, raise volume to previous level."

Chris raised his eyebrows as he sauntered over to the bed. "Computer, stop playback." He snatched at the projection and closed the game. "It's too loud, Katrina."

She set her lips as she looked up at him. "I like it that way." She flopped onto her back. "You completely fucked over my high score."

"Language."

"Are you fucking serious?" she asked, propping herself on her elbows. Her eyes were bright, defiant. And Chris fully understood why she needed this. Admiral Katrina Cornwell had done everything right; Kat desperately needed an outlet from that. "You're not my dad."

Chris took her chin firmly in his hand, forcing her to look into his eyes. "I'm a Starfleet captain, and you are my responsibility. The way you act and the way you speak reflects on me. Got it?" 

Kat rolled her eyes, and Chris had to keep from smiling. The gesture was so familiar from her, but it was new, exciting in that it was rebellion rather than the exasperation of a lover. She'd explained to him that she needed release from everything that she embodied: loyalty, duty. She'd always been bold, assertive, a leader who could use the rules to her own advantage and who would enforce those rules as well as she followed them. Their play wasn't to relive something that had happened to Kat; it was to allow her to be something she was not. Chris could see her resolve growing brittle; he couldn't imagine everything she'd been through during the war. So, he would do anything for her. So, when she rolled her eyes, he gripped her chin harder. 

"Katrina," he warned.

She gave him a smile that deepened her dimples, making her look sweet even though her eyes were mischievous. "Fine."

"That wasn't so hard." He ran his thumb over one of her dimples before kissing her on the forehead. "Come on. Help me with dinner."

"No one _cooks_ on a starship, Chris." 

"Well, I do." He got up and offered her his hand, which she refused and got up herself, crossing her arms as she faced him. Her body seemed more fluid without the weight of command. He had to stop himself from grabbing her hips and pulling her close as she rolled her eyes and sauntered toward the small kitchen. 

He started taking out ingredients, handing her half an onion. "Cut this."

"Gross."

Chris laughed outright as he passed her the cutting board and a knife. "Tell me about your day," he said as he began to peel carrots. She gave him a look that told him he could go to hell, and it wasn't the look of a woman who had refined it to a terrifying edge through age. It was purely emotion, and he couldn't help but laugh again, making her cheeks flush. "Alright. I'll tell you about mine. This morning we had a tactical simulation with the cadets and the ensigns in the Command Training Program. They failed but did so admirably. Let's see...then we launched a probe to send a deep scan on a nebula. And after that Mr. Saru and I…"

"Why is being a captain so boring?"

Chris glanced at her and shook his head. "You've got to hold the knife like this…" He stepped behind her and placed his hand over hers. "Chop with the back of the blade, see?"

Kat turned into his face, so close he could have kissed her, and she knew it. "Like this?" 

"Mmhm." He breathed in the scent of her hair, losing himself in it for a moment. Kat's cheek was pink and her breath a little ragged, excitement. It surprised Chris when she kissed him--surprised but delighted. But he knew Kat. He knew how easy it was for her to captivate him and not just him. And he knew that the girl blushing and kissing him clumsily needed something different. "That's enough, Katrina."

"But don't you want to?" she whispered, looking up at him through her lashes.

Chris squeezed her hip and leaned forward to give her a slow, chaste kiss on her lips. "You're not ready for that."

She tossed her hair indignantly "That's not fair."

"And that's how I know you aren't ready,." He kissed the side of her head. "Finish that onion, and don't pout."

"I'm not pouting," she grumbled, most certainly pouting, as she turned back to her task. 

Chris loved the way she cut her eyes at him. Kat had never been so transparent. He smiled to himself as he went back to the preparations of dinner. Kat had never had any interest in helping him cook, but now she begrudgingly did as he instructed, each step trying to be close to him, to touch him. She tried to tease him into crossing boundaries, and with each push, he pushed back, firm and patient. 

When dinner was over, Chris sent her to bed, delighted by the way that she practically stamped her foot in protest. He crawled into bed while she was in the sonic shower, and he sat up to read. When she came out in a tank top and briefs, one glance told Chris that Kat was the admiral again. There was the grace and the fatigue to go with it. She put her head on his shoulder. 

"No more work tonight."

Chris put the padd aside. "Some of us still read for pleasure, you know."

"Some of us don't have that kind of luxury," she said wearily as they settled onto the pillows, Chris wrapped his arms around her and closed his eyes. They were silent for a while. He thought she'd fallen asleep, when she drew in a heavy breath. "Thank you."

*****

Sometimes at night, Kat twitched in her sleep, no doubt still fighting battles that she pretended were behind her. And Chris lay awake with the guilt of not sharing in that burden. She never woke, though, and she never cried out. And Chris didn't push her to talk about what she'd seen, much less experienced. Tonight, though, He could feel her tension. Her forehead was beaded with sweat, and she kicked the sheet away. 

"Kat," Chris said softly. He didn't want to startle her, to somehow make it worse, but he couldn't let her suffer. "Kat, it's just a dream." He gently touched her shoulder, and she started awake, eyes wild for a moment. "Hey…" Chris didn't try to pull her close to him, even though he wanted to. Chris saw sleep falling away as she began to compose herself. She took shaking breaths. 

"I'm fine." she said as she pushed her hair out of her face. 

"Kat." Chris turned her toward him. He trusted his instinct, and smiled softly as he pushed a stubborn strand of hair behind her ear. "You're not, and that's okay."

"Chris." She said it firmly, almost a warning, but he could hear the weariness underneath that. 

He touched her cheek. "Trust me."

Her shoulders softened and slumped before she put her head against his chest. He held her tightly as he laid back down, and he was silent as he stroked her hair. 

She looked up at him, eyes red, and when she sought his lips, Chris met hers, holding back to let her push if that's what she needed. And she did push, kissing him hungrily. Chris was already half hard, and the rest came easily when she straddled him. He almost asked if this was what she really wanted, but that much was clear. 

Kat pulled at the waist of his pants, and he shimmied and kicked them the rest of the way off. Kat pulled off her top unselfconsciously, and seeing her above him in the blue waves of light from their journey at warp, Chris lost his breath. She was every bit as beautiful as the first time they met--more, in fact. He moaned, grabbing her hips as she pushed herself onto his cock. 

But Kat put her palms flat on his chest, stilling him. Even though her cheeks shone with tears, her eyes were hard, resolved. She could have anything she wanted from him. Chris knew she knew that. And as she began to rock her hips, curling her fingers into his chest, he couldn't take his eyes off of her. 

*****

When he woke, the bed was empty, and he could hear faint music. Chris got out of bed, stretching before he pulled on his pants. It wasn't uncommon to find Kat up before him. He used to tease her about how little she slept. Years of duty and rank had shown him how necessary that survival skill could be. But she wasn't working this morning. He found her lying on the sofa on her stomach, her ankles crossed in the air. She had buds in her ears as she scrolled through a padd, but he could hear the music leaking out. 

Before doing anything, though, he took the moment just to watch. Her body was at ease, fluid, almost gawky with her long legs bent. He wondered if she had ever been like this before he met her. But Chris dismissed that thought out of hand. No. She hadn't. Finally, he went to her and pulled one of the buds out of her ears. 

"Hey!" She rolled over and snatched at his hand but not before he snatched it away. 

"Still too loud."

"When they make you a captain do they make you promise to never be fun again?" She sat up and smirked as she tousled her hair. 

"That's supposed to be a secret, actually." He half smiled and she just as he hoped, she grinned, dimples deepening. 

"Very funny."

"If you keep rolling your eyes like that," he said, in response to the gesture he knew she was doing even though she'd rolled back on her stomach, "they'll get stuck."

"You're so...weird."

He chuckled as he patted her hip. "Come on, up."

"Why?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder. 

"Because you're not going to lie around here all day. Let's go--gym time. We'll play racquetball."

"Ugh, no."

"It's not a request. Get up. Get changed."

She glared at him as she pulled herself off of the sofa, and Chris just raised his eyebrows expectantly. Being the captain had its perks, depending on the ship, and his gym was private, if small. Selfishly, he was suggesting this to see if it had any bearing on her kicking his ass repeatedly at racquetball. When she came out, Kat was wearing shorts shorter than any he'd ever seen her in, and her legs looked every bit as good as they did the first time he'd ever seen her. He realized he was staring as she pulled her hair into a ponytail. 

"You…" He coughed. "You're not going out in that, Katrina." Chris rubbed his forehead. 

She put her hands on her hips. "Why?"

That slight way she popped out her hip: daring, expectant, made Chris swallow hard. "Because I said so."

"That's what adults say," she began, sauntering forward without her usual effortlessness, "when they don't," she poked him in the chest with her index finger, "have a good reason."

He gently pushed her hand away before taking her shoulders and turned her around. Chris could hear her draw in a breath to protest, but Chris gripped the back of her neck and began walking her toward the bedroom. "You're going to change out of those, and that's that. Come on. March."

"That's not fair."

"I've heard that one before." She pulled out of his grip once he stopped and whirled around. "I'm not letting you out of quarters in shorts that short."

"I didn't even want to fucking play racquetball anyway," she snapped. 

"Don't push me.”

“Or what?” She got close to him again, jaw set as her cheeks grew pink. Chris wanted to cup her face and laugh as he kissed her; that thought did nothing to help his growing erection.

“Do you need a spanking, Katrina Cornwell because that’s where this is headed.”

Her cheeks went from pink to red in an instant. “Yeah, right.” 

Her eyes flicked down to his pants, and the moment she looked back up at him, he could see the shift in how hard her eyes had gon, how her lips thinned and shoulders straightened. “This isn’t a game, Chris.”

His brows knit together as she pulled the tie out of her hair “And I’m not treating it like one. Kat…” he moved to take her elbows but she stepped away. “I’m only human. And frankly, I can’t help it.” 

“Oh, of course.” She shook her head and began gathering her clothing. “I should have never…”

Chris caught her by the waist and pulled her to him. “But you did. You trusted me with this, Kat. Now, trust yourself.”

He felt her relax, and when she pulled away from him, Chris could already see the change. Kat sat on the bed heavily, slouching forward as she dug her toe into the decking. When she looked up at him, Kat's face was sullen, younger. "I'm not going."

"You're going, and you're changing clothes before you do." He crossed his arms. "No more arguments, Katrina."

"I'm not going," she snapped.

Chris had heard Kat raise her voice before. She did not have to do it often to create an air of authority, and when she did, everyone listened. But this was simply a yell of anger and frustration that had nowhere to go. Chris sighed. 

"I'm not going to ask again."

"Good," she retorted, "because I'm not going, and I'm not changing."

He put his hands on his hips and looked down as he shook his head. It came easily, almost naturally, and he could see his father doing the same in his mind's eye. Chris sat beside her on the bed, and he put his hand on the back of her neck, gripping her firmly. 

"I'm not going to tolerate that attitude." When he turned her over his lap, Kat gasped, and she immediately began to squirm. Chris put his hand in the small of her back, touch firm while still being gentle. She flinched just before he struck her ass with the flat of his palm. At the next strike, she yelped. He was hard again, and he knew she could feel it. When Chris finished, he heard Kat sniffling, but he didn't let her sit up. It was a liberty, but he ran his palm gently over her ass, vowing next time--and he knew there would be a next time--that he would strip her bare. 

Finally, he let Kat sit up, and he took in her face, realizing he'd never seen her cry. Chris ran his thumb over one of her cheekbones, and she sniffed again. His lips were seeking hers before his mind caught up to them. Chris pulled away just as Kat began to kiss back, awkwardly but excited.

"I told you that you were not ready for that," he said firmly.

"But," she began, close to a whine, "you want me to be."

"Katrina…"

"I know you like it, Chris," she said, smiling, dimples deep; she pushed her hand between his legs, covering his erection as she blushed. 

"These are things you can't understand." He took her wrist, pulling her hand away before he stood up. "Go on. Change."

Kat groaned as she dragged herself up. "We're still going?"

"We are." he said under his breath, "And we could both use it to expend the energy."

"Fine." She pursed her lips as she dropped her shorts in front of him and stepped out of them. "I'll change." Chris averted his eyes only to look back as she rummaged for something else to wear. Her briefs were cut higher than the standard issue she usually wore. When she turned around and caught him looking, Kat smirked, cocking her head. "I told you that you liked it." She sauntered forward with awkwardness that managed to be charming.

When she snaked her arms around his neck, Chris pulled her hands back and held them between his own. "Katrina, this is not a game."

"I know." Her eyes were wide, almost sweet. 

"You don't." He brought her hands to his lips and kissed them softly. "This isn't something to play at or something you can take back."

Kat bit her bottom lip as she looked up at him through her lashes. "You can teach me."

Chris pulled Kat into him, running his palms down her back and over her ass, cupping it. Kat's breath was jagged, and she was still looking up at him expectantly, eyes clear and bright. Chris's cock twitched at the sight, at the thought of her squirming on his lap only minutes before. 

"The minute you start to back talk me, we stop." She opened her mouth to speak, but Chris put a finger to her lips. "That's the rule." Chris raised his eyebrows, waiting until she nodded her acknowledgement. "I think we should start by putting your mouth to better use."

Chris gently pushed her to her knees before dropping his pants. With one hand, he pushed her hair back and with the other, he guided his cock into her mouth, pushing the head against her lips. The slight resistance before she gave way made him shudder. Her clumsy attempts to establish a rhythm were so in contrast to the way he was used to her using her mouth that it was deliciously maddening. Chris wanted to rock his hips forward, to hold her head, but he stayed still, only continuing to run his fingers gently through her hair. He was patient while she explored.

"Just like that," he murmured.

When Chris came, he felt Kat's throat clench, and she coughed even as she swallowed. Her eyes were watering when she looked up. "Was that right?"

"It was perfect." He helped her to her feet. He kissed her again, and it was the eagerness to please that rekindled his arousal. Kat was good, confident in her skills, which was always a turn on. But the exuberance of youth and curiosity was like nothing he'd ever seen from her. "Lie down on the bed."

It was the first time she'd done what he asked without complaint. Chris sat next to her, appraising the subtle changes in her posture, how her eyes made her look more vulnerable than he'd ever seen. He hooked his finger underneath the band of her underwear, tugging them off. When he took her hand, Chris kissed each finger in turn before kissing her palm. 

As he guided her hand down to her pussy, Kat blushed, looking at him questioningly. He merely smiled reassuringly as he pressed her index finger between her labia, showing her how wet she was. 

"You should learn to make yourself feel good," he murmured, drawing her finger to her clit. Kat inhaled sharply, and he began to guide her in slow circles. 

"That feels good," she whispered.

"Take your time."

He pulled his hand away, letting her explore as he ran his palm up her side, underneath her tank. Chris traced the curve of one of her breasts. She arched into the touch, eyes wide. He pushed up the fabric and when he dipped to flick her nipple with his tongue, Chris was rewarded with a soft moan. 

"That's it." Chris sucked at her nipple and then blew a warm breath across it, making goosebumps rise on her skin. 

He could feel that she was becoming frantic, squirming and arching into her own hand. Chris kissed her neck, her jaw, each touch slow and deliberate. When she came, she cried out in as much surprise as pleasure, and the look of bliss on Kat's face made him want to take her right then. Instead, he ran the back of his hand along her cheek and smiled. 

"Well done, Katrina." Chris saw how Kat reacted; she did not suppress her shiver of delight. He understood that she needed to push, to let go of herself for a while, but in that moment, he realized that she also needed the praise--that this was perhaps the only way she could really accept it. "Now, it's time to get dressed."

"But…"

He raised his eyebrows. "Choose your words carefully," he warned as he rubbed his thumb over her nipple. "I would rather give you rewards than punishments."

*****

Kat had gotten through a mountain of paperwork--curious how that term had become a simulacrum of what it once used to mean and yet persisted--only to have another mountain after that. Even though her duties took her into the field more than some, this kind of work was one of the realities of her rank. And it was why some officers never wanted to progress past captaincy. Gabriel, her Gabriel, would have hated it. Chris had the right temperament though. 

As her thoughts lit on Chris, Kat found herself smiling. She'd still kicked his ass at racquetball that morning. And the release it gave her to play in her middle space, to laugh when she did well and stomp in frustration when she didn't. He took the defeat graciously, as he always did. As if her thoughts summoned him, Kat's door chimed and Chris entered before she'd acknowledged. 

"You've been at that all day," he said, nodding to her padd before taking a seat in front of her desk. 

"My administrative tasks don't just disappear when I'm in space." Kat smiled as she closed the work and put the padd aside. "In fact, it seems like I end up with more of them." Kat got up and rounded her desk, perching on the other side as he looked up at her. "So, are you here as Captain Pike or Chris?"

One corner of his lips turned up in a half smirk before he stood and put his hands on her waist. "Captain Pike got off duty twenty minutes ago." He bent, eyebrows raised in question as to whether that meant he would be granted a kiss. And Kat did, with a smile. "Can we talk?" Chris asked. 

"Of course." Kat slid off the desk and took the seat adjacent to his as he sat back down. She cocked her head, waiting for him to get to whatever it was that was bothering him. Though _bothering_ wasn't the right word. The look on his face was thoughtful without being worried. 

"I wanted to talk about what happened this morning."

She pursed her lips. "I can't help that my serve is still better than yours."

"You could try a little harder not to be flawless," he quipped. But his face became serious again as he reached forward and took his hand. "This morning, you seemed...upset when I got aroused, Kat, but then...and I…" He shook his head as if searching for words. "I'm wondering if I took things too far."

She sighed as she closed her eyes for a moment. It was natural that he'd read her reaction and assume it was about him when it was truly about the vulnerability that she was afraid would scare him. "No, Chris. I should have talked to you about it the other night. I didn't trust that I wouldn't frighten you away."

"That's all?" He seemed surprised. 

"It's difficult to be vulnerable." She ran her thumb over the back of his hand. "Even with trust."

He knelt in front of her and laid his head on her lap. Kat heard him sigh when she began running her fingers through his hair. "And my finding it...erotic--God, Kat, seeing you that way is something. It's...that reaction isn't…?"

"Wrong? No. We're consenting adults, Chris. It's a relief to be cared for, to not need to be competent in all things." She smiled to herself. "You've always been caring, but it's just as erotic to see you as a caregiver."

"You're a brat, you know?" he said, as he looked up and grinned. 

Kat pursed her lips. "You don't seem to mind."

"I don't mind any of you," he said as he playfully bit her thigh. "Will I see you later?"

"After I finish up here."

He smiled at her as he stood and bent to kiss her forehead. "Of course. I'll stop distracting you."

Kat caught his hand before he turned to go. There was a time where she would have resented the intrusion, but she had nothing else to prove. "It was a welcome distraction."

*****

It was later than Chris expected when Kat walked into his quarters. That was a function of the responsibility that came with rank, though. Things came up that couldn't be ignored. And even when they could, Kat had always been the type who preferred not to put things off. He'd never begrudged her that, but as he watched her take off her tunic, hanging it, Chris could see that she was tired. 

"You're late." His tone was neutral, and he let the words hang in the air. Kat could decide what she wanted from them, if she needed them to be more than just a statement. Chris quickly saw that she did. Her face went from tired to guilty in an instant when she lowered her eyes, and he could see the way her shoulders slumped. 

"Sorry," Kat mumbled. 

Chris shook his head. "Not acceptable."

"I said I was sorry," Kat quipped as she put her hands on her hips. 

"Come here." He patted the sofa, and Kat rolled her eyes before dragging herself over. Chris wasn't sure if he'd ever become accustomed to how drastically she changed; her long, confident strides had been replaced with a reluctant shuffle. He patted his lap. 

"I'm too old for that."

"You're never too old to sit on my lap," he said as he pulled her down and wrapped his arms around her waist. Kat looked delightfully sullen, but Chris tweaked her nose and smiled. "I'm not angry, Katrina. I was worried, and if you're going to keep insisting that you're not a child, you need to be responsible. If you're going to be late, you need to let me know. And you are absolutely not to be out this late again," he finished firmly. 

"Okay," she said quietly. Chris expected more pushback, but he was still learning her in this space. 

She slid onto the sofa next to him, leaning slightly against his side. Chris wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He put on an old television program that he could remember his grandfather watching as a child. Chris had subjected Kat to this before, making her laugh at how antiquated entertainment used to be. He thought it might settle her a little bit to let her mind drift. An old, familiar feeling of contentment washed over him. It was the kind of thing only memory could create.

He felt Kat's body shake, but he realized he didn't hear laughter. When he glanced at her face, Chris saw that her cheeks were wet with tears.

"Hey…" He swiped the program away and pulled her close. Quickly, Chris thought back to his tone of voice, whether he'd said something too harsh. He had seen Kat angry, shocked; he'd seen her grieving, but he had never seen her truly cry. And now, she sobbed, shaking against his chest. "It's okay," he whispered. 

He wasn't sure what space she was in, but when he tried to ask what was wrong, his questions went unanswered. Chris rubbed slow circles on her back, rocking her slightly--comfort was what she needed, no matter her headspace. There were those that would describe Kat as unnerving. Even before she climbed the ranks, she'd had an air of command. Chris found it enticing, but now he felt unnerved. 

"Kat…" He gently lifted her face. Her green eyes stood out in stark relief to the redness from her tears. "What's going on?"

She opened her mouth to speak but only shook her head as she sobbed again. Even as he held her, stroking her hair and letting her cry against his chest, Chris still felt helpless. He heard her gulping in breath the way children do when inconsolable, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd cried that way--probably when Trigger had to be put down. He'd never thought of Kat crying that way; then again, he'd never thought of Kat as a child. 

Finally, her breathing calmed. She gently pulled away from him and pushed back the hair that was stuck to her temples. "I'm sorry," she said, sniffing. Her voice was strained, but he knew immediately that she was no longer in her middle space. 

"We don't have to talk about it right now." He tread carefully, fearing that she would withdraw. 

"There is so much I haven't completely processed; the war was devastating, and so many of us had to just...become numb to the loss. Then Gabriel…" She shook her head as she swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. "The vulnerability, I knew I needed it but underestimated to what extent. It was," Kat paused, licking her lips as she searched for the word, "overwhelming. I should have known better."

Chris took her hand. "Doctors make the worst patients." He was awarded with a half smile, but Kat looked like she had nothing left. "I've never seen you cry like that."

She closed her eyes as she drew in a shuddering breath. Her eyes were clearer when she opened them again. "I came into command because I wanted to change it, to show that Starfleet leadership could be more than flyboys and tactical officers with ambition. I wanted to make command more human, healthier."

"At your own expense," he murmured. 

"Something like that." She leaned into him again, putting her head on his chest. "This isn't something I wanted to put on you."

"I think I'm glad you did."

He'd loved Kat for so long. As unnerving as seeing her coming apart had been, Chris was glad it was in his arms. And she wasn't running away or withdrawing into herself. They had shared so many intimacies that he thought there couldn't be more. He realized he was wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, GlassesOfJustice for betaing your own gift and for cheerleading me through writing it.


End file.
